I am naive, a trait I have pointed out before, and that could be the driving force behind my repetitive behavior. Here is how it seems to go:
- A number of weeks will go by without speaking to her, the longest being six weeks. This is when my naivete kicks in, and I start to think maybe things are not as bad as I had thought. Maybe this is a situation I can somehow work with, somehow create a new kind of relationship within her world.
- Something happens that makes me call her; she leaves a voicemail, sends a Facebook message or text. Off the bat, her voice makes me tremble, and it feels good to hear the voice I have missed so much.
- The conversation starts out light, and inevitably goes quickly downhill. I find myself on the receiving end of screaming threats and attempts to make me feel badly, as if I am partially responsible for this horrid situation. No matter how poorly it goes, however, I never stop listening, never hang up on her. At this point, I am getting used to predicting when she will hang up, and I always make sure I get in an I love you before it happens.
- She hangs up, and I realize that it is, in fact, that bad. Perhaps worse.
As I reread this post, I realize that it sounds as if I have lost some hope. Honestly, I have, which says a lot coming from a perpetually optimistic person like myself. This has gone on for a long time, and it is only getting worse with each passing day, week, and month. I have run out of ways to help. As that eternal optimist, however, I choose to shift my positive energy to the great things I foresee ahead. I think that is where my posts will go next, because that is something I can control.